Happy day

Today began as any other day. The little ones and I woke up early,which is annoying to do on a weekend, but we did anyway. Watched a few hours of cartoon before we decided to feed our rumbling stomachs, lol. Breakfast was served easy enough and I took some time out to watch my shows. Well nothing really on so I watched sex and the city. I miss those 4 girls, especially Samantha with her rough exterior and not so soft inside. It's the episode where she found out she had cancer and it still gets me. Before my mind ventures to my ex again, I decided to be productive and clean the floor. I did that and went to Lowes, because I thought its a good day to plant more flowers outside and fix my pots of roses. They're beautiful, btw, all flowering and have this sweet rose smell. I have 3 big pots of them, I'll try to post pix next time. So off to lowes I go and came home with loads of perennials. Sweet! The next 3 hours was spent planting, replanting, adding soil, cleaning, and getting dirty. I like the feel of soil on my hands, crazy I know, but it makes me feel one with Mother Earth, wow that's deep :-). All 4 of my kids were outside, helping or doing what kids do best, play, lol. The got the older kids paint the garage door so I'm happy.

Tonight I'm off to a dance club with my friends, yay! Have to wait til it gets darker though, just kinda of weird to go to a club when the sun is still out. Problem with summer days, sigh. No worries, it will get dark eventually and people will come out and play. Hey!

Forgiveness

My ex accuses me of not knowing the true meaning of forgiveness. My thought is, I forgive you the way I can  not how he wants it. If he thinks I should fully embrace his relationship with his mistress then he'll be waiting for something that will never come. I dont think I can ever let his mistress step inside my home nor be in the same breathing space as me and my kids. I never pretended to be a saint, but I accept that he will always be around because we do have kids together. That does not extend to his mistress even when he becomes his wife eventually. And my kids had expressed that they don't want to be around her either. He made his choice, we never had a chance to. The mere fact that I still talk to him, proves I've forgiven him. Seriously, I don't owe him anything. And I certainly don't have any respect for women who's in a relationship with a married man. 

Crazy

Had another insane text war with my future ex. Why the hell do I do this? Simple, I still love the asshole. Urgh. I need to stop loving him coz it effing hurts and he's not even worth it. I hate getting disappointed but I keep hanging in for scraps? What happened to me? Does love made me this weak pathetic wife who still longs for her adulterer husband? Or is it my fear of the unknown? Whatever it is it has to stop for my sake and peace of mind. Do I really want this cheating bastard to come back? I can't even begin to trust him again much alone respect him. Wake up! I never thought I'd see myself in this situation of feeling lost because of a man. Ha! He is not worth it. When did I ever became like my mother who stayed with my father abuse after abuse, mental not physical both at its worst. Buckle up self, it's time to strap the moving on seat and launch yourself away from this asshole. Laugh and be happy. You don't need someone who prefers a woman touched by so many hands, have no conscience about breaking a marriage. You deserve better and much more. Keep reminding yourself there are better fish in the sea. You're worth it.

letting go

I heard so many advice from everyone after the break up of my marriage. The most common one is to let go.   Its the hardest thing for me to do. Even now knowing my husband love someone else, I still love him and would wish him well. My friends say to just forget, to stay busy, be more active in the community, do what I love for me. I did that, I've exhausted and immersed myself to anything I should be so tired when my head hits the pillow. Not the case here, my mind still goes back to him. It irks me to see him acts so unaffected by his actions. I wish for a time when I don't love him anymore so I can finally move on. Why this constant thought of him, why can't I just hate what he did and let go. Have I really became so dependent on him that I forgot how to be happy without him? Or is it just my ego that has been badly damaged by his disrespect? I can't seem to follow the same advice I gave to friends in similar situation, I never thought this would happen to us. Only proves we are never in charged of our destinies. I have so much pain inside I don't know what to do with it. I hurt so much that it makes it painful to breath. I had always thought he loved me more, that I'm secure in the love he had for me, that we are to grow old together in love. Dreams are shattered because of his selfishness. Letting go, should be easy to do with someone who already left but somehow its not.

Simple wishes

I had never aspired for something so unattainable in my life. My wishes are simple and the most important one is to give my children something I didn't have, a family. Like most young women in love, I thought I had chosen well. Married the man whom I thought had loved me as much as I loved him. We began that way and eventually he drifted with me not having a slightest clue he was. Out of the blue he met someone new, someone he said reminded him of me and he fell in love. He didn't know how it happened just that it did. So here I am with shuttered dreams but I would not let it destroy me. He made his choice and I'm to move on. I was devastated to say the least but had slowly woken up to reality. Life is never perfect, it wasn't meant to be. But we just have to make the most of what life had served us. So here I am waiting for this pain to pass, the cloudiness of my present to clear, for the wound to close and for the scar to remain as a reminder. The lessons we learned will set us free, a friend said. I was happily married to a man whom I thought was filled with integrity, with whom I looked up to. Now he's a shell of the person I used to know. Could I truly trust him again? Idk, time will tell how his selfish decision affected me, our children, our lives. Selfishness, pride, lust - when chosen only leads to sin. When we chose to sin, it's not only ourselves who suffer but also those whom we love.

Lesson

At some point in our lives we experience some excruciating pain that we thought we can't overcome but eventually we would. Because we realize that life is worth more than losing what we thought we needed in our lives. The lesson we learned will make us stronger and better in the end. The betrayal we tasted will soon be memory, a scar that will remind and guide us. The pain will lessen but never forgotten. It is hard but we need to accept defeat in order to move on, to live again and to enjoy life with those who matter the most and not dwell in those who left, forget the ones who chose to leave.

Life

Life as we know it.

The tragedy in Boston begs a question , Where is respect for people, for life, for anything? Our world today is filled with chaos, personal and social tragedy. Everyday the news is filled with hatred and less and less of good deeds are reported. I worry for my kids but I will not let terror change the way I raise them. 

Respect - a positive feeling of esteem toward another, compassion, a feeling that fills the gap where love should be. I strive to raise my kids to respect others and to do what is right. To go beyond what is expected and to give back to their community. Recent events are hard to explain to a 6 yr old. 

I'm just glad that things are moving again in Boston. It was so eerie looking at those empty streets in Watertown, to be trapped in your home while a madman is on the loose, seeing faces gazing out their windows and residents talking to Dianne Sawyer just to have a connection with the rest of the world. And there's me glued to the TV and all social network available to me watching this "movie" unfold while my laundry and other household chores awaits. 

Yes, life goes on. We face tragedy with courage and strength so we can pick up the pieces and move on with our lives. I remind myself often that there are far more important things in life than to dwell with the stupidity of a few people. They may cause a tremendous havoc in my life but in the end, its my life. I no longer try to understand why things happen and just accept that it does, I no longer waste my time to things that are out of my control but rather concentrate to do better for things that are, to not dwell on what was but instead to look ahead on whats to become, to see my glass half full not half empty and to fill my life with satisfaction rather than just making do. 

Respect, a lot of people want and demand it from others yet they themselves don't know how to give it. We tend to justify ourselves after making the wrong choices because its hard to accept that we are at fault, that we made a mistake. The truth is everyone makes mistakes, its what we do after we realized a mistake that makes a difference, that shows who we are and what we are made of. 

Pride is the other thing that brings down everyone. St Augustine once said : It was pride that changed angels into devils; it is humility that makes men as angels. Its in our nature to want it all, that more is better. We're thirsty for more and make choices to satisfy that only to realized it leaves us craving for more. That we are never satisfied until we experience being without, until we experience something that makes us reevaluate our lives. 

This past year had been a revelation to me, a time to change for the better I hope. I evaluated my life and made recompense with my self. For so long I had forgotten who I was, given all I had to someone whom I thought had loved me as I love him, given him loyalty and respect without question only to be betrayed. I am still reeling from that pain but am getting better. Everyday is better than yesterday and I no longer dwell at the pain I still feel but focuses on the lesson the betrayal had taught me. 

Renewal

Meeting new friends

Making friends has never been a problem for me. My kids could attest, I'll walk in a room with no one I know and I'll come out with friends in tow, lol. I like to talk, I like listening to other people, I like sharing myself and getting to know others. I don't understand how someone can be fine sitting in a corner observing others. I like to be a part of things, mingle, and be productive I guess. 

Lately, I've met some new friends. We shared stories and life lessons. And wow, those lessons are hard to swallow and learn but needs to be taught nonetheless. Anyway, this one lady friend went through what I am dealing with, yes - a cheating husband. The premise is the same - they fell in love, something unexpected but divinely guided, we are busy with raising our kids our husbands feel they need more of our time, they felt they needed something more in life aside from being with family. Both husbands don't understand why we can't all be friends still, why can't we just move along and let them be with their new loves but we continue the premise of a happy family. WTF. If there's an on/off switch somewhere, kindly point me to it. I can't seem to turn off this stupid love I still feel for my cheating asshole husband who is even now, living with his mistress not caring how my kids and I are doing. Of course, in his mind, I will take care of them and he has nothing to worry about. Never mind that the kids need a father, again asshole. And the mistress? Whoever lies with a married man, knowing he is married with kids, is a whore in my book. Love does not make a sin right, noting justifies it. Its wrong and will always be wrong. Hurting people is not a good excuse for love. Sorry, I seem to have gone on a rant again. Back to my friend, its refreshing to see how well she does now. I can still tell the pain she is carrying and living with. Betrayal does not get washed easily, its pungent smell seems to linger. Time was her help, she said, and her kids. Seeing her, I know, I will be fine as well. We women are stronger than we ever imagined. So as she said to me, this too shall pass. Together we will support each other and she's helping drive away the demons that threatens after the breakup. Like her, I turned all my focus and efforts to my kids. As I said in previous post, I hope for time to heal my broken heart.

Lately, I've been going dancing with other friends. Meet new ones in a bar, share a drink or two and dance the night away. I don't even remember the last time I was out with friends. My life had been tied to my husband and my kids as it should be. I was hoping and waiting for a time when my husband and I can enjoy "dating" again. That time is now, with his retirement and the kids no longer attached to me literally. But instead, my husband is "dating" someone else. If I was asked a yr ago if I ever thought my life will be this now, I would have said hell no. I never thought my husband would cheat, he was always morally correct in what he does. His integrity is something I used to admire, he was the most loyal person I know, now he is just a shell of a man I used to know. He became what he used to detest on his cousins, colleagues and other men. I guess I am better off without him, my mind knows it but my stupid heart won't listen. Time, I hope time will heal.

Healing

May time heal my heart.

Spring break had come and gone. We made it to Niagara Falls and was totally mesmerized with the beauty of this natural wonder. Well, at least I am. My teens are more like, "this is it? or Is there a bigger fall on the other side of Canada?" lol. My two toddlers are just as excited as I am, different perspective or maybe my little girl self is just taking a step forward. 

It's one thing off my bucket list, yay. It was cold but the 5 of us had a great time. Have to come back when its warmer to get the full experience of its strength by taking a trip on the Maid of the Mist and to the cave. 

My daughter received a great news when we got back. Acceptance letter from the College of William and Mary is waiting :-) so happy for her. Although, I am keeping my fingers crossed for John Hopkins University knowing if she does get in, she will definitely pursue medicine. So the next day, she got an email. Drum roll please... it began with We regret. Damn. Then she read more and found out why, its not because she wasn't good enough, its because her father failed to complete his part of the application. So selfish, so disappointing , so urghhh. Nothing her father does or doesn't do surprises her anymore. Me, on the other hand, is so upset and again so disappointed by the person I thought so highly of. I keep reminding myself he is no longer the person whom I thought I knew, the one I fell in love with and planned to grow old with. He is just the shell of the man we used to know. Would he ever have a relationship with his kids? Does he even plan to? His recent action or inaction proves otherwise. He is so consumed with his mistress and doing things for her, he doesn't realized he is ruining his relationship with his children. Abandoning his family because he feels his mistress needs him more? WTF. 

Karma, that is whats going to bite him and his mistress in the ass. They feel that because they love each other, adultery becomes acceptable. He is now the laughing stock of his colleagues, they know this woman and they know he is not the first married man she hooked up with but he is definitely the stupidest. She's 20 years younger, so it strokes his ego and he truly feels its divine guidance. Whatever. 

Its spring. Time for new beginnings, new opportunities, new life. So that's what my children and I are concentrating on. Moving on and living our lives our way. We don't need him, we only need his financial support to maintain our lifestyle. Someday, I want him to miss what he easily gave up, I want him to wake up and regret. Do I want him to suffer? Not particularly, but I want him to repent. I want her to feel all the pain she caused me, my children and all the other family she broke apart. Do I feel bad for her? No, she chose her way of life. She chose to use and have relations with married man for her gain, she didn't think twice about the pain she caused for her sake alone and I don't believe for a second that she felt bad for me and the kids even if she sold that same line to my husband. He said his eyes are open to what they are doing, so the responsibility is theirs. I guess, as everyone says, we are better off without him. I only hope that time will heal and numb my heart of him.

Amen sistah!

Got this from a friend on FB. I can totally relate. I did all the stupid things. I was happy, I thought I was. Now, I'm learning being single again is not all that bad. I have more time to give my 4 kids, we do more together now than we did when their father was in the picture. Being able to decide by myself is quite liberating. I admit, I miss having someone next to me at night but it's something I can live without. Maybe someday, I'll meet someone who'll deserve my love. If not, I can honestly say I had loved with total abandonment, it was real and great. And when it began to crumble not by my weakness, but his, I came out stronger and better. Lesson was taught and its learned. Not all men are bad, I know a lot of great men but unfortunately whom I married turned out to be a frog after all. 

Read on and relate.

HEAR WHAT OPRAH WINFREY HAD TO
SAY ABOUT MEN :

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. 
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who have a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are. Even if he has has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending... Compromise is two way street. You need time to heal between relationships. There is nothing cute about baggage... Deal with your issues before pursuing a new
relationship. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you. A relationship consists of two WHOLE
individuals. Look for someone complimentary...
not supplementary.

Dating is fun... Even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes... When a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him ~ he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Scared of being alone is what makes a lot of women stay in relationships that are abusive or hurtful: Dr. Phil says... You should know that: You're the best thing that could ever happen to anyone and if a man mistreats you, he'll miss out on a good thing. If he was attracted to you in the 1st place, just know that he's not the only one. They're all watching you, so you have a lot of choices. Make the right one. Ladies take care of your own hearts... ❤