letting go

I heard so many advice from everyone after the break up of my marriage. The most common one is to let go.   Its the hardest thing for me to do. Even now knowing my husband love someone else, I still love him and would wish him well. My friends say to just forget, to stay busy, be more active in the community, do what I love for me. I did that, I've exhausted and immersed myself to anything I should be so tired when my head hits the pillow. Not the case here, my mind still goes back to him. It irks me to see him acts so unaffected by his actions. I wish for a time when I don't love him anymore so I can finally move on. Why this constant thought of him, why can't I just hate what he did and let go. Have I really became so dependent on him that I forgot how to be happy without him? Or is it just my ego that has been badly damaged by his disrespect? I can't seem to follow the same advice I gave to friends in similar situation, I never thought this would happen to us. Only proves we are never in charged of our destinies. I have so much pain inside I don't know what to do with it. I hurt so much that it makes it painful to breath. I had always thought he loved me more, that I'm secure in the love he had for me, that we are to grow old together in love. Dreams are shattered because of his selfishness. Letting go, should be easy to do with someone who already left but somehow its not.

Simple wishes

I had never aspired for something so unattainable in my life. My wishes are simple and the most important one is to give my children something I didn't have, a family. Like most young women in love, I thought I had chosen well. Married the man whom I thought had loved me as much as I loved him. We began that way and eventually he drifted with me not having a slightest clue he was. Out of the blue he met someone new, someone he said reminded him of me and he fell in love. He didn't know how it happened just that it did. So here I am with shuttered dreams but I would not let it destroy me. He made his choice and I'm to move on. I was devastated to say the least but had slowly woken up to reality. Life is never perfect, it wasn't meant to be. But we just have to make the most of what life had served us. So here I am waiting for this pain to pass, the cloudiness of my present to clear, for the wound to close and for the scar to remain as a reminder. The lessons we learned will set us free, a friend said. I was happily married to a man whom I thought was filled with integrity, with whom I looked up to. Now he's a shell of the person I used to know. Could I truly trust him again? Idk, time will tell how his selfish decision affected me, our children, our lives. Selfishness, pride, lust - when chosen only leads to sin. When we chose to sin, it's not only ourselves who suffer but also those whom we love.

Lesson

At some point in our lives we experience some excruciating pain that we thought we can't overcome but eventually we would. Because we realize that life is worth more than losing what we thought we needed in our lives. The lesson we learned will make us stronger and better in the end. The betrayal we tasted will soon be memory, a scar that will remind and guide us. The pain will lessen but never forgotten. It is hard but we need to accept defeat in order to move on, to live again and to enjoy life with those who matter the most and not dwell in those who left, forget the ones who chose to leave.

Life

Life as we know it.

The tragedy in Boston begs a question , Where is respect for people, for life, for anything? Our world today is filled with chaos, personal and social tragedy. Everyday the news is filled with hatred and less and less of good deeds are reported. I worry for my kids but I will not let terror change the way I raise them. 

Respect - a positive feeling of esteem toward another, compassion, a feeling that fills the gap where love should be. I strive to raise my kids to respect others and to do what is right. To go beyond what is expected and to give back to their community. Recent events are hard to explain to a 6 yr old. 

I'm just glad that things are moving again in Boston. It was so eerie looking at those empty streets in Watertown, to be trapped in your home while a madman is on the loose, seeing faces gazing out their windows and residents talking to Dianne Sawyer just to have a connection with the rest of the world. And there's me glued to the TV and all social network available to me watching this "movie" unfold while my laundry and other household chores awaits. 

Yes, life goes on. We face tragedy with courage and strength so we can pick up the pieces and move on with our lives. I remind myself often that there are far more important things in life than to dwell with the stupidity of a few people. They may cause a tremendous havoc in my life but in the end, its my life. I no longer try to understand why things happen and just accept that it does, I no longer waste my time to things that are out of my control but rather concentrate to do better for things that are, to not dwell on what was but instead to look ahead on whats to become, to see my glass half full not half empty and to fill my life with satisfaction rather than just making do. 

Respect, a lot of people want and demand it from others yet they themselves don't know how to give it. We tend to justify ourselves after making the wrong choices because its hard to accept that we are at fault, that we made a mistake. The truth is everyone makes mistakes, its what we do after we realized a mistake that makes a difference, that shows who we are and what we are made of. 

Pride is the other thing that brings down everyone. St Augustine once said : It was pride that changed angels into devils; it is humility that makes men as angels. Its in our nature to want it all, that more is better. We're thirsty for more and make choices to satisfy that only to realized it leaves us craving for more. That we are never satisfied until we experience being without, until we experience something that makes us reevaluate our lives. 

This past year had been a revelation to me, a time to change for the better I hope. I evaluated my life and made recompense with my self. For so long I had forgotten who I was, given all I had to someone whom I thought had loved me as I love him, given him loyalty and respect without question only to be betrayed. I am still reeling from that pain but am getting better. Everyday is better than yesterday and I no longer dwell at the pain I still feel but focuses on the lesson the betrayal had taught me. 

Renewal

Meeting new friends

Making friends has never been a problem for me. My kids could attest, I'll walk in a room with no one I know and I'll come out with friends in tow, lol. I like to talk, I like listening to other people, I like sharing myself and getting to know others. I don't understand how someone can be fine sitting in a corner observing others. I like to be a part of things, mingle, and be productive I guess. 

Lately, I've met some new friends. We shared stories and life lessons. And wow, those lessons are hard to swallow and learn but needs to be taught nonetheless. Anyway, this one lady friend went through what I am dealing with, yes - a cheating husband. The premise is the same - they fell in love, something unexpected but divinely guided, we are busy with raising our kids our husbands feel they need more of our time, they felt they needed something more in life aside from being with family. Both husbands don't understand why we can't all be friends still, why can't we just move along and let them be with their new loves but we continue the premise of a happy family. WTF. If there's an on/off switch somewhere, kindly point me to it. I can't seem to turn off this stupid love I still feel for my cheating asshole husband who is even now, living with his mistress not caring how my kids and I are doing. Of course, in his mind, I will take care of them and he has nothing to worry about. Never mind that the kids need a father, again asshole. And the mistress? Whoever lies with a married man, knowing he is married with kids, is a whore in my book. Love does not make a sin right, noting justifies it. Its wrong and will always be wrong. Hurting people is not a good excuse for love. Sorry, I seem to have gone on a rant again. Back to my friend, its refreshing to see how well she does now. I can still tell the pain she is carrying and living with. Betrayal does not get washed easily, its pungent smell seems to linger. Time was her help, she said, and her kids. Seeing her, I know, I will be fine as well. We women are stronger than we ever imagined. So as she said to me, this too shall pass. Together we will support each other and she's helping drive away the demons that threatens after the breakup. Like her, I turned all my focus and efforts to my kids. As I said in previous post, I hope for time to heal my broken heart.

Lately, I've been going dancing with other friends. Meet new ones in a bar, share a drink or two and dance the night away. I don't even remember the last time I was out with friends. My life had been tied to my husband and my kids as it should be. I was hoping and waiting for a time when my husband and I can enjoy "dating" again. That time is now, with his retirement and the kids no longer attached to me literally. But instead, my husband is "dating" someone else. If I was asked a yr ago if I ever thought my life will be this now, I would have said hell no. I never thought my husband would cheat, he was always morally correct in what he does. His integrity is something I used to admire, he was the most loyal person I know, now he is just a shell of a man I used to know. He became what he used to detest on his cousins, colleagues and other men. I guess I am better off without him, my mind knows it but my stupid heart won't listen. Time, I hope time will heal.

Healing

May time heal my heart.

Spring break had come and gone. We made it to Niagara Falls and was totally mesmerized with the beauty of this natural wonder. Well, at least I am. My teens are more like, "this is it? or Is there a bigger fall on the other side of Canada?" lol. My two toddlers are just as excited as I am, different perspective or maybe my little girl self is just taking a step forward. 

It's one thing off my bucket list, yay. It was cold but the 5 of us had a great time. Have to come back when its warmer to get the full experience of its strength by taking a trip on the Maid of the Mist and to the cave. 

My daughter received a great news when we got back. Acceptance letter from the College of William and Mary is waiting :-) so happy for her. Although, I am keeping my fingers crossed for John Hopkins University knowing if she does get in, she will definitely pursue medicine. So the next day, she got an email. Drum roll please... it began with We regret. Damn. Then she read more and found out why, its not because she wasn't good enough, its because her father failed to complete his part of the application. So selfish, so disappointing , so urghhh. Nothing her father does or doesn't do surprises her anymore. Me, on the other hand, is so upset and again so disappointed by the person I thought so highly of. I keep reminding myself he is no longer the person whom I thought I knew, the one I fell in love with and planned to grow old with. He is just the shell of the man we used to know. Would he ever have a relationship with his kids? Does he even plan to? His recent action or inaction proves otherwise. He is so consumed with his mistress and doing things for her, he doesn't realized he is ruining his relationship with his children. Abandoning his family because he feels his mistress needs him more? WTF. 

Karma, that is whats going to bite him and his mistress in the ass. They feel that because they love each other, adultery becomes acceptable. He is now the laughing stock of his colleagues, they know this woman and they know he is not the first married man she hooked up with but he is definitely the stupidest. She's 20 years younger, so it strokes his ego and he truly feels its divine guidance. Whatever. 

Its spring. Time for new beginnings, new opportunities, new life. So that's what my children and I are concentrating on. Moving on and living our lives our way. We don't need him, we only need his financial support to maintain our lifestyle. Someday, I want him to miss what he easily gave up, I want him to wake up and regret. Do I want him to suffer? Not particularly, but I want him to repent. I want her to feel all the pain she caused me, my children and all the other family she broke apart. Do I feel bad for her? No, she chose her way of life. She chose to use and have relations with married man for her gain, she didn't think twice about the pain she caused for her sake alone and I don't believe for a second that she felt bad for me and the kids even if she sold that same line to my husband. He said his eyes are open to what they are doing, so the responsibility is theirs. I guess, as everyone says, we are better off without him. I only hope that time will heal and numb my heart of him.