Happy day

Today began as any other day. The little ones and I woke up early,which is annoying to do on a weekend, but we did anyway. Watched a few hours of cartoon before we decided to feed our rumbling stomachs, lol. Breakfast was served easy enough and I took some time out to watch my shows. Well nothing really on so I watched sex and the city. I miss those 4 girls, especially Samantha with her rough exterior and not so soft inside. It's the episode where she found out she had cancer and it still gets me. Before my mind ventures to my ex again, I decided to be productive and clean the floor. I did that and went to Lowes, because I thought its a good day to plant more flowers outside and fix my pots of roses. They're beautiful, btw, all flowering and have this sweet rose smell. I have 3 big pots of them, I'll try to post pix next time. So off to lowes I go and came home with loads of perennials. Sweet! The next 3 hours was spent planting, replanting, adding soil, cleaning, and getting dirty. I like the feel of soil on my hands, crazy I know, but it makes me feel one with Mother Earth, wow that's deep :-). All 4 of my kids were outside, helping or doing what kids do best, play, lol. The got the older kids paint the garage door so I'm happy.

Tonight I'm off to a dance club with my friends, yay! Have to wait til it gets darker though, just kinda of weird to go to a club when the sun is still out. Problem with summer days, sigh. No worries, it will get dark eventually and people will come out and play. Hey!

Forgiveness

My ex accuses me of not knowing the true meaning of forgiveness. My thought is, I forgive you the way I can  not how he wants it. If he thinks I should fully embrace his relationship with his mistress then he'll be waiting for something that will never come. I dont think I can ever let his mistress step inside my home nor be in the same breathing space as me and my kids. I never pretended to be a saint, but I accept that he will always be around because we do have kids together. That does not extend to his mistress even when he becomes his wife eventually. And my kids had expressed that they don't want to be around her either. He made his choice, we never had a chance to. The mere fact that I still talk to him, proves I've forgiven him. Seriously, I don't owe him anything. And I certainly don't have any respect for women who's in a relationship with a married man. 

Crazy

Had another insane text war with my future ex. Why the hell do I do this? Simple, I still love the asshole. Urgh. I need to stop loving him coz it effing hurts and he's not even worth it. I hate getting disappointed but I keep hanging in for scraps? What happened to me? Does love made me this weak pathetic wife who still longs for her adulterer husband? Or is it my fear of the unknown? Whatever it is it has to stop for my sake and peace of mind. Do I really want this cheating bastard to come back? I can't even begin to trust him again much alone respect him. Wake up! I never thought I'd see myself in this situation of feeling lost because of a man. Ha! He is not worth it. When did I ever became like my mother who stayed with my father abuse after abuse, mental not physical both at its worst. Buckle up self, it's time to strap the moving on seat and launch yourself away from this asshole. Laugh and be happy. You don't need someone who prefers a woman touched by so many hands, have no conscience about breaking a marriage. You deserve better and much more. Keep reminding yourself there are better fish in the sea. You're worth it.

letting go

I heard so many advice from everyone after the break up of my marriage. The most common one is to let go.   Its the hardest thing for me to do. Even now knowing my husband love someone else, I still love him and would wish him well. My friends say to just forget, to stay busy, be more active in the community, do what I love for me. I did that, I've exhausted and immersed myself to anything I should be so tired when my head hits the pillow. Not the case here, my mind still goes back to him. It irks me to see him acts so unaffected by his actions. I wish for a time when I don't love him anymore so I can finally move on. Why this constant thought of him, why can't I just hate what he did and let go. Have I really became so dependent on him that I forgot how to be happy without him? Or is it just my ego that has been badly damaged by his disrespect? I can't seem to follow the same advice I gave to friends in similar situation, I never thought this would happen to us. Only proves we are never in charged of our destinies. I have so much pain inside I don't know what to do with it. I hurt so much that it makes it painful to breath. I had always thought he loved me more, that I'm secure in the love he had for me, that we are to grow old together in love. Dreams are shattered because of his selfishness. Letting go, should be easy to do with someone who already left but somehow its not.

Simple wishes

I had never aspired for something so unattainable in my life. My wishes are simple and the most important one is to give my children something I didn't have, a family. Like most young women in love, I thought I had chosen well. Married the man whom I thought had loved me as much as I loved him. We began that way and eventually he drifted with me not having a slightest clue he was. Out of the blue he met someone new, someone he said reminded him of me and he fell in love. He didn't know how it happened just that it did. So here I am with shuttered dreams but I would not let it destroy me. He made his choice and I'm to move on. I was devastated to say the least but had slowly woken up to reality. Life is never perfect, it wasn't meant to be. But we just have to make the most of what life had served us. So here I am waiting for this pain to pass, the cloudiness of my present to clear, for the wound to close and for the scar to remain as a reminder. The lessons we learned will set us free, a friend said. I was happily married to a man whom I thought was filled with integrity, with whom I looked up to. Now he's a shell of the person I used to know. Could I truly trust him again? Idk, time will tell how his selfish decision affected me, our children, our lives. Selfishness, pride, lust - when chosen only leads to sin. When we chose to sin, it's not only ourselves who suffer but also those whom we love.

Lesson

At some point in our lives we experience some excruciating pain that we thought we can't overcome but eventually we would. Because we realize that life is worth more than losing what we thought we needed in our lives. The lesson we learned will make us stronger and better in the end. The betrayal we tasted will soon be memory, a scar that will remind and guide us. The pain will lessen but never forgotten. It is hard but we need to accept defeat in order to move on, to live again and to enjoy life with those who matter the most and not dwell in those who left, forget the ones who chose to leave.

Life

Life as we know it.

The tragedy in Boston begs a question , Where is respect for people, for life, for anything? Our world today is filled with chaos, personal and social tragedy. Everyday the news is filled with hatred and less and less of good deeds are reported. I worry for my kids but I will not let terror change the way I raise them. 

Respect - a positive feeling of esteem toward another, compassion, a feeling that fills the gap where love should be. I strive to raise my kids to respect others and to do what is right. To go beyond what is expected and to give back to their community. Recent events are hard to explain to a 6 yr old. 

I'm just glad that things are moving again in Boston. It was so eerie looking at those empty streets in Watertown, to be trapped in your home while a madman is on the loose, seeing faces gazing out their windows and residents talking to Dianne Sawyer just to have a connection with the rest of the world. And there's me glued to the TV and all social network available to me watching this "movie" unfold while my laundry and other household chores awaits. 

Yes, life goes on. We face tragedy with courage and strength so we can pick up the pieces and move on with our lives. I remind myself often that there are far more important things in life than to dwell with the stupidity of a few people. They may cause a tremendous havoc in my life but in the end, its my life. I no longer try to understand why things happen and just accept that it does, I no longer waste my time to things that are out of my control but rather concentrate to do better for things that are, to not dwell on what was but instead to look ahead on whats to become, to see my glass half full not half empty and to fill my life with satisfaction rather than just making do. 

Respect, a lot of people want and demand it from others yet they themselves don't know how to give it. We tend to justify ourselves after making the wrong choices because its hard to accept that we are at fault, that we made a mistake. The truth is everyone makes mistakes, its what we do after we realized a mistake that makes a difference, that shows who we are and what we are made of. 

Pride is the other thing that brings down everyone. St Augustine once said : It was pride that changed angels into devils; it is humility that makes men as angels. Its in our nature to want it all, that more is better. We're thirsty for more and make choices to satisfy that only to realized it leaves us craving for more. That we are never satisfied until we experience being without, until we experience something that makes us reevaluate our lives. 

This past year had been a revelation to me, a time to change for the better I hope. I evaluated my life and made recompense with my self. For so long I had forgotten who I was, given all I had to someone whom I thought had loved me as I love him, given him loyalty and respect without question only to be betrayed. I am still reeling from that pain but am getting better. Everyday is better than yesterday and I no longer dwell at the pain I still feel but focuses on the lesson the betrayal had taught me.